Not Afraid of Winning!

Photo by Laurent Perren on Unsplash

Like most writers and artists, I struggle with imposter syndrome and anxiety. I almost could not sit down and wield myself to write this blog. 

I am learning that the first step to recovery is acknowledging you have a problem. I own that I am often afraid to pick up a pen and write, take my brush and paint much less to share my creations. 

Don't get me wrong, I know greatness is in my bones. I know I can bend words and start a movement if I choose. But deep down, when the accolades are covered in dust, I tend to forget the kind of magic that exists within me. Some parts of me refuse to believe that I deserve to win. 

Luckily, I am not alone in this battle and one of the perks of being part of a creative community is that you always have the wisdom of others walking you home. I'll always be grateful for my fellow writers (Edd and Erwin) and friends like Novie and Lisa who always encourage me to "do something" even if that something is small. 

Photo by Jr Korpa on Unsplash

Amie McNee in her book For the Procrastinator encourages us to get to the root of our procrastination. After much journaling and meditation, I discovered something shocking. I was afraid to win. I did not believe that I deserved good things.

My thoughts always take me back to high school when the principal called me to the front of the assembly to receive an award from a poetry competition. I went to the front but it was only to tell her she had the wrong person. I had not entered any competition (and I did not write poetry), at least that's what I told her. 

After the assembly one of my teachers told me she had entered one of my poems from class in a competition and I should take the award. I declined again, telling them to give it to someone else. I shake my head and laugh about it now. Who would do such a thing? But I was upset. How dare she enter a competition for me? How dare she let my classmates know I was good at poetry?

 

But I see it now (clear as day) I did not believe I could win anything good. Hence the reason I tend to refrain from competitions even to this day. Regardless of the awards, accolades, and prize money I have attained since then, I will always reach back (in my memory) and take that one. (It's part of me taking my power back.)

I like to remind myself of my "why." I do not do this for the views or the likes. I do this because it is my calling, my gift to the world. I do it scared sometimes. Who in their right minds would battle anxiety daily and subject themselves to public scrutiny?

If we are anything alike and you struggle to believe in your potential, you may want to:

1. Acknowledge the issue
2. Get to the root of the problem
3. Establish a daily routine for your craft
4. Build a support system
5. Affirm yourself and build your self-belief

Photo by Ian Schneider on Unsplash

Feel free to comment below. Someone may be encouraged to keep moving forward. 

Inhale:

My greatness and my magic.

Exhale:

I will not worry or doubt myself.

Inhale: 

I am not afraid of winning. 

Exhale: 

I will not fear.

Bye for now.