The Reason Behind My Voice

  The Adinkra symbol  Sankofa has   been heavy on my mind lately.  The symbol is a bird that flies forward but looks backward. It means "Reach back and fetch it." Photo credit: Adinkra Corner How many times were we told that we should not look back, only forward?  Poets like Lucille Clifton were always "reaching back and fetch it" for great wisdom resides in the past. When Hurricane Maria struck on 18th September 2017, life as I knew it was over. Instead of celebrating my 25th birthday that year, I was salvaging my belongings. I concentrated on all that was lost. I held grief around my neck and, my waist and I carried it with me for years. When my birthday comes around, so does a great sadness. Photo credit: Melchior Damu     A few days before my birthday this year, I subconsciously began noticing things that had survived the floodwaters. Like my family, my guitar (which I haven't touched in years), my hot wheels cars, my favorite fountain pen, and my ...

Photo by eberhard 🖐 grossgasteiger on Unsplas h It took me a while but I am finally woman enough to admit it. I used to be afraid of being happy. I was afraid of experiencing joy.  It might seem silly, I know. But cherophobia is more common than we care to admit.  I think much of my fear stemmed from the false narratives I was fed as a child. "After laughing is crying" I would often hear. Whether it was on the basketball court, at school, or home. It did not take long for me to associate joy and sadness. I came to view happiness as a preamble to mourning. Photo by eberhard 🖐 grossgasteiger on Unsplash After hours of playing basketball or swimming in the river without my mother's permission, I would come home to a waiting belt. No matter how much I enjoyed myself that joy was overshadowed by the punishment.  I had my first and only birthday party at 12 years old. I enjoyed it. But soon after that, I lost most of my friends who came to the party. Part of me wished my mo...