Photo by eberhard 🖐 grossgasteiger on Unsplash
It took me a while but I am finally woman enough to admit it. I used to be afraid of being happy. I was afraid of experiencing joy.
It might seem silly, I know. But cherophobia is more common than we care to admit.
I think much of my fear stemmed from the false narratives I was fed as a child. "After laughing is crying" I would often hear. Whether it was on the basketball court, at school, or home. It did not take long for me to associate joy and sadness. I came to view happiness as a preamble to mourning.
Photo by eberhard 🖐 grossgasteiger on Unsplash
After hours of playing basketball or swimming in the river without my mother's permission, I would come home to a waiting belt. No matter how much I enjoyed myself that joy was overshadowed by the punishment.
I had my first and only birthday party at 12 years old. I enjoyed it. But soon after that, I lost most of my friends who came to the party. Part of me wished my mother had never thrown me a party for them to come and eat my snacks. The joy of that party was overshadowed by regret.
When I grew older, our family gatherings seemed to be succeeded by mourning. We considered not having more celebratory activities but nobody can stop reggae.
Even as an adult I realize that I am afraid to talk about my triumphs because I don't want to jinx myself. I often refrain from fun activities because I am afraid something terrible will happen. I also realize that I am prone to sabotage my relationships when they feel good. I am afraid that they are too good to be true and so I bow out.
Photo by Anderson Shillingford
I have come to realize that taking back your power does not only involve burning false narratives but doing the inner work. Taking your power back has a lot to do with you reaching within and hugging your inner child. Taking back your power often involves you fighting for joy.
I am more intentional with my energy, my smile and my joy. Joy is a powerful thing. It transforms. It looks good on everyone.
Why don't you try it? And even share it? Bring your circle with you on your journey back to joy.
Photo by Joel Muniz on Unsplash
Have you ever been afraid of joy? How do you plan to take your power back?
Affirmation:
I am worthy of joy.
I deserve to be happy.
I celebrate my victories.
I am not afraid of praises.
As I read through this I began to fashion a response in my mind. But then I got to your affirmation and it had my comment already locked in.
ReplyDeleteStay blessed and keep that bonfire lit.
Thank you Erwin ♥️
ReplyDeleteOmg yes!!!! I swear we now have to re-parent ourselves. Basically facing the giants of the mountains that were ingrained into us and bring ourselves back to the light. Do you know how powerful that is? And scary? It's hard work but I'm so proud of you my love. I see you!
ReplyDelete♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
ReplyDeleteYes!! It is also awe-inspiring and beautiful. Thank you for accompanying me on this journey back to joy. ♥️
I thank God for this gift of yours. It will surely make room for you. Thank you for this great piece of writing. Thank you that your writing increases my vocabulary. It was the affirmation for me!
ReplyDeleteThank you and I receive it. ♥️
ReplyDelete